Here's why ACME means QUALITY in ZERO VOLUME
- Acme engineers use our
familiar 3-dimensions. Result? You can actually hold an Acme
Klein Bottle in your hand. Those highfalutin' 4-dimensional
ones can only be held in your mind.
- We select the finest quality
genus-1 manifolds, so each Acme Klein Bottle includes a
built-in handle at no extra cost.
- With a carefully positioned
center of gravity, your Acme Klein Bottle stands on its own.
No external support needed, nor cumbersome space-time
- Microwave safe, batteries not
required, Y2K compliant.
- Our technicians painstakingly
adjust each Acme Klein Bottle for an Euler Characteristic
very, very close to zero.
- With each Klein Bottle, Acme
includes a manifold free of any covering of coherently
oriented coordinate neighborhoods. And an Acme Klein Bottle
allows a closed curve /s/ which is such that a small
oriented circle whose center traverses the curve continuously
to arrive at its starting point with its orientation reversed.
If this makes sense, then you simply must own an Acme Klein
- Your Acme Klein Bottle is hand
crafted in low expansion borosilicate glass by a team of happy
glassblowers, ceramicists & one gourmet cook. Triple
sealed with an oxy-hydrogen torch, annealed, then individually
inspected by a best-selling author and PhD astrophysicist who
holds an advanced degree in radiative transfer!
- You can convert your Acme
Klein Bottle into an astonishing amount of energy, over 1023
ergs! Enough to power a small city for years. To get you
started, we'll supply the necessary equation for free.
- Buy an Acme Klein Bottle and a
pair of scissors, then PROVE TO YOUR NEIGHBORS that it has a
Betti Number of 2. They'll be astounded when you make two cuts
into the manifold without dividing the surface into two
- Acme High Performance Klein
Bottles are made on a planet rich in silicon dioxide -- we
never clearcut rainforests, stripmine Kentucky towns, or smash
oil tankers into arctic shores.
- All manifolds are homogeneous,
that is, every small piece looks like a piece of Euclidean
space of the same dimension. Immersed in 3 dimensions, a Klein
bottle's surface must intersect itself at the nexus, and Acme
cleverly uses an elegant transverse puncture. Inferior 4-D
Klein Bottles lack this self-intersection feature.
- You can actually fill your
Acme Klein Bottle with colored water! (In Canada, Britain, New
Zealand, and Oz, use coloured water) Impress your friends,
astound your professors, and baffle next year's graduating
- Every Acme Klein Bottle comes
with a free topological fundamental group which can be
homomorphically mapped onto the Baumslag-Solitar group.
Perfect for dorm parties.
- Acme Klein Bottles
incorporate NO UNNECESSARY MAGNETIC MONOPOLES. And our low
coefficient of expansion insures that the bottle's size
remains almost invariant with temperature.
- Speaking of invariance ...
worried about Lorentz contractions? No problem with an Acme
Klein Bottle! It's designed to work in EVERY frame of
reference (though not necessarily simultaneously).
- Don't worry if you find some
Cantor dust ... it has zero measure and won't affect your
Klein bottle's high performance.
- Absolutely free from all
harmful radio emissions - guaranteed not to interfere with any
broadcasting station, 20 meter sideband transceiver, wifi
hotspot, SETI system, or cosmic ray detector.
- Want to connect
geometry with topology? Check this out: You can
integrate the Gaussian curvature of your Acme Klein Bottle and
the result will be exactly 2? times its Euler characteristic.
Is that cool or what? Gauss and Bonnet would be very happy!
- Buy with confidence -- your
Acme Klein Bottle comes with a unconditional guarantee which
includes NO FEWER THAN SEVEN conditions.
- Your money back if not
satisfied! (However, we suspect that we will be quite
satisfied with your money)
- Your Acme Klein Bottle's
fundamental group equals the direct product of the integers
with the integers modulo-two! What does this mean? Don't ask
- Acme uses no expensive
palladium compounds so there's minimal danger of cold-fusion
- Your Acme Klein Bottle is
transparent to most forms of visible radiation, yet blocks
harmful extreme ultraviolet rays.
- It's rustproof, even in
- Run-of-the-mill Klein Bottles
are homeomorphic to a sphere with two crosscaps. Thanks to the
Acme's exclusive transverse puncture, Acme Klein
Bottles are homeomorphic to a disc with two crosscaps.
Especially useful during the extreme weather conditions
encountered in the palagonite plains around Utopia Planitia.
- If you often travel through a
nonorientable wormholes, you'll be comforted to know that your
Acme Klein Bottle is a reasonable analog to most Alice
- According to the Firesign
Theater, you can use these to trap Mars flies.
- If you believe in the axiom of
choice, ask about our special Banach-Tarski TWO-FOR-ONE
- Acme Klein Bottles are
designed using advanced numerical models done on a high speed
- We employ skilled craftsfolk
from around the Earth, including the USA and the People's
Republic of Berkeley. We also employ unskilled workers, but
they mainly spend their time surfing the web.
- Tired of point set topology
and semi-metric space? Imagine the look on your instructor's
face when you pop out an Acme Klein Bottle!
- Acme's glassblowers select
from a flavorful palatte of borosilicate glass -- including
such brands as Pyrex, Kimax, Simax, Bomex -- so you can be
sure to receive exactly what they choose. With its Poisson
ratio of 0.2, you won't be tempted to crush your bottle to
save space. Just as nice -- the glass has a bulk density of
2.23 gm/cm3. (Of course, a Klein Bottle's density
is undefined since it has zero volume.)
- Lifetime guarantee -- we
guarantee that you will live your full lifetime!
- CERTIFIED CHIRALITY FREE!
For every Left-Handed Moebius Loop within our Klein Bottle, we
include an equal and opposite handed Right-Handed Moebius
- At any time -- day or night --
you can easily check on the Euler Characteristic of your Acme
Klein Bottle. Just add the number of vertices to the number of
faces, then subtract the number of edges. So simple, even a
grad student can do it!
- For the ULTIMATE IN
DIMENSIONAL STABILITY, we make each Klein Bottle
from a special blend of borosilicate glass ... it expands a
mere 0.000326% per degree C! So your Acme Klein Bottle will
shrink only a few microns when you trek from Nogales
- No reason to worry about the
incorrect number of perforations. Acme's Department of Holes
and Handles inspects each Klein Bottle to make sure it
contains exactly one hole.
- Solve Hodge's conjecture! It's
one of the most baffling unsolved problems in mathematics,
involving the relationship the algebraic topology of
non-singular conplex algebraic varieties and subvarieties. You
-- Yes YOU -- can be the first to Solve Hodge's
Conjecture ... simply purchase a dozen Acme Klein Bottles and
then just develop a generalized theory for the sums of
Poincaré Duals of homology classes of subvarieties. You'll win
the Fields Medal and the Clay Millennium Prize ... get
invited to colloquia which often offer FREE
- Travellers in space and time
will especially appreciate that Acme's differential geometry
technicians carefully tune each Acme Klein Bottle until its
Systolic ratio is no more than ?/?8
- BREAKING NEWS! Acme's Klein bottles are now parallelizable!
Buy dozens of 'em and you can supply your own choice of Lie
Groups. Good luck drawing a vector field on 'em.
- Our glass Klein bottles are certified DHMO FREE - they contain no dangerous
- What dormatory is complete without an genuite operating Klein
bottle? After you've received and used it, you'll ask, "How did
I ever get along without a Klein bottle?" Klein bottles can be
shared with the whole family.
- Your manifold is shipped to
you in a box made from genuine organic materials, specially padded to reduce shock and
vibration. Ecologically friendly packaging can be recycled.
As a special feature for our valued (and non-valued) customers,
we personalize the package with YOUR VERY OWN name and address.
- We do not use a turbo-encabulator to manufacture our
Acme Klein Bottles.
- Remember the four color
theorem? Well, since its chromatic number is 6, maps drawn on
an Acme Klein Bottle need six colors. Unpack those Crayolas
and prove it to yourself! (In fact, the Klein Bottle is the
only exception to the Heawood
Conjecture, so don't go into the map printing business.)
- You aren't supporting some
uncaring multinational monolith -- Acme's parent division
supports every good cause and is on the side of truth,
justice, and world peace.
- Acme donates all of its
nonexistent profits to a college fund for the owner's